Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
