My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I am midnight drunk by noon
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
