I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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