I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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