Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
