i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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