He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
