I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
