the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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