hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
