I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
