im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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