oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
