Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
