Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
