I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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