I hate all girls vehemently.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
