What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
