The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
My bed is full of blood and feathers
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
