the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
