She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
