Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
smell my finger.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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