When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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