seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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