You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
