Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
