He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
