don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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