We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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