and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Randomize
