gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
