my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
