the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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