Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
