he thought i was a dude.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
