i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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