Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
