thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
