just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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