when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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