my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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