jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Randomize
