i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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