sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
