I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize