I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
