She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
