I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
