they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
