I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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