My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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