office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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