He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
