I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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