Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
