Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize