nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
